my old dear friend, livejournal. perhaps my only true friend. you'll always be here to remind me that I have something to turn to, to let out all of my real feelings without remorse. you'll always be here to remind me of what I was like as a growing teenage girl, to look back and laugh at myself for being such a doofus. you'll remind me of better times, and you'll remind me of the worst of times. you will be the stamp in history that is mine, and mine alone, and I will always love you for it.

how silly that I always turn to you, when I'm really FEELING. which, in all honesty, is so.. rare, these days for me. I feel like a drone. I suppose maybe I'm going through an early mid-life crisis.. unless I only live to 40, then it's appropriate to feel this way now. but I feel so antsy in my life right now.. I don't understand it. not that I ever have, but now more than ever I feel like time is flying by me and taking my purpose right along with it. what IS my purpose? I have yet to find it, and the more time goes on, the more I'm afraid I never will.

I don't mean my purpose in life to all mankind as we know it, I just mean.. my purpose in my own life. what will I do that will make ME happy? will it be finding a job I love, a hobby, a close collection of friends, my soul mate? so far, all seem to run dry.. I'm no good at getting ahold of any of those things, or at least I'm not good at keeping ahold of them.

I feel scared. scared for the future that could possibly be my wasted life, because I was too scared to take the chances - or always taking the wrong ones.

I feel scared for us. I don't feel the.. truly burning love that I once did for you, because I feel no burn in return. I feel like the leaps and bounds I've made have become nothing, so I make smaller jumps and hops, and soon I fear I won't move at all. because I don't see the point. I try, even when I know I am the only one doing so, and even when I am furious at you... but I don't know how much longer I can. I feel you slowly shutting me out and it aches. we continue to get along quite well, something that is so hard to find with anyone these days.. but I think we need more than to just get along. we need to be in love.

are we?

is it wrong for me to have a celebrity crush on the Transformers kid? probably, but I thought he was cute all the way back to the 'Even Stevens' days on Disney, and to be fair, he's technically a year older than me. I'm always ahead of the game.. I dug Josh Hartnett back in the day before he was in Pearl Harbor and all that stuff, and then I was all about Jared Leto after seeing Requiem For A Dream, before he become all OMG UR IN A BAND dude. word.

I'm lonely. I feel very alone.

I wish I could just make one connection...
just one.

I'm bored with life in general. and I feel like life is bored with me, too. I used to be such a different person... and I'd gladly trade in my morals and maturity I've worked so hard to get to enjoy life the way I once did. to have people enjoy me, the way they once did.

I feel annoyed. I feel like I am not being told the whole truth. it just gives me an uneasy feeling, and I pretty much hate it. you don't know what I'm talking about, but that's ok.

because chances are, you're not even reading this, and either is anyone else.

which is fine. I don't even really mind.

I only care that I have to remind you to try. if you ever read this, I hope you enjoy what it feels like to have going-ons behind your back. no matter how small they may feel.

I loved what you wrote. I really did. and I believe you feel what you said. but I wish that you didn't have to be in a worrying mood to express it to me.

I want so much more from you. I'm sorry if that's unfair.

all have nothing to do with this blog.

that's right, it's that day, you know what day. it's V-day. never really had many feelings about this day.. just the norm, kinda sucks when you're single and is pretty decent when you're not.

was a pretty good excuse to drive to Peoria and eat at Joe's Crab Shack though. pretty sweet place Peoria is, especially since it has a sweet riverfront, which happens to be right what Joe's Crab Shack sits on. word. then we went to the mall, also much nicer than the one(s) we have here. two stories, w00t!

uh.. not alot other than that. got my huge ass tax return, trying my best to save it... will probably go torwards a down payment on a new vehicle. and my next paycheck will go torwards a new computer. yay for money.

oh yeah, Josh and mahself are moving back in with his 'rents. we'll have the whole upstairs to ourselves.. which will seem better than before, like a mini apartment. only rent-free. I have many expenses coming up, car.. need glasses.. need to save for school possibly, if not school, then it will become an emergency/safe savings fund, whatev. so at least for the next year, I will be taking it easy on the spending of the dollars. Jake already found a new apartment with Nick, Marcus, and Lora. not only found, but has already moved out. Josh and I will be here until the end of March.

yep yep, that about does it for me. oh yeah, I hate my job mostly. not cause I don't enjoy what I do... but more so that I work damn hard and nobody gives a shit. I give more, they want more. I do better, they expect better. a thanks? nah. a "hey, I noticed that your job is extremely hard.. and we offer you ideas that we will help but never follow through.. and all those things that other people do wrong that screw up your entire department, we're gonna blame that on you, which does nothing to fix the problem, only pisses you off.. thanks for putting up with that." yeah.. how about you go pay me more than the people who screw up the process rather than pay me less to fix it. GOD!

toodles!

p.s. - if you folks have myspace, please add me! http://www.myspace.com/ridden

MEH.. my apartment is a fucking mess. I get so angry at myself... every time I clean it up finally I say, "alright, it's clean.. it should be easy to keep it clean now. just do it." andddd.. then of course, I don't. but this is not the year for failure in everything I do.. this is the year to make it all right. to not just fix the fact that I can't stick to cleaning or losing weight or saving money, but to fix whatever it is inside me that makes me unable to commit to anything. I can commit to my job.. care enough to go above and beyond.. I can commit to my boyfriend.. why can't I commit in other aspects in my life? it's time to find out. I don't know how, but I'm certainly going to try.
I need a female friend baddd... I need someone I can relate to. I will always be more comfortable around boys, but there was always something special in my friendships with Deanna and Amelia. something I couldn't get out of a friendship with a guy. I feel the need for it even more so now that I'm older, living on my own. what a dorkus thing to be talking about.
anyway.. might as well do something with myself today. I think I'll finally go get a hair cut. my hair is soooo ugly. ick. and then I'll clean.. maybe stop by the mall and pick up a thing or two for myself.
I really want to buy a fancy mouse.. they're so cute and curious. Josh is probably right though.. I should take better care of the pet I already have before I buy a new one, no matter how small.
boo.. I missed Almost Famous on TBS this morning.

alright, so I won't deny it, I enjoy some MCR, My Chemical Romance, MyChem, whatever.. not that I would deny it regardless, you can all kiss my tush. point is, they blow big dick live. like.. they seriously suck. and why? why does Gerard.. or however you schpell his name.. sound awful? it's not like he's playing a badass guitar while he's singing *coughClaudiocough* or anything, so I just don't get it.
alot of bands are that way, so I really appreciate bands who kick ass live.. Glassjaw was always so sweet live. Coheed was really good too. I'd like to see Pearl Jam live.. Eddie's voice is the shit!

anywho. I should be alseep right now. gotta get up at 4am. BOO on that. Target makes me so angry sometimes.. I swear I will have a nervous breakdown before the holidays are over.

p.s. World of Warcraft is for douches.

whoop whoop.. I need to get pizaid. I've got lots to spend money on. I'm just jotting this so I can remember..
pay mom back
pay Josh back
get hair cut+colored
get industrial re-done
eyebrows waxed
buy new lip ring
finish xmas shopping

anywho.. I don't appreciate people who don't support and/or join in on my rocking out tendancies.. which, no one I know now really does. sad =(
Christmas is so close, holy crappers.. I still have to finish my shopping and whatnot. I have to work alot, which is shitty.
I love guitar hero. it's so much fun. plus, I'm pretty good.. considering and all. I am a girl. but I am able to at least tread on expert territories in the game.
I need a female friend again. preferably one who can make fun of stuff with me like Amelia and I did.
I got nothin' else. except that I've fallen behind on music alot. but I wanna load my ipod up with lots of music.. so feel free to suggest any new bands to me.

I wish I had enough money to do something with my ratty nappy hair. ew. GRRAAHHHH

WHAT UP FOOLZ. I downloaded a livejournal client so that I can be more motivated to start updating again. hopefully some of you still read this.

sometimes you drive me absolutely crazy. you make me feel like I am just one huge fucking interuption to the more entertaining things you do in your life, like whatever fucking game you're hooked on at the time. like I'm more boring to spend time with than a fucking video game. I get it Josh, you're a gamer. games are fun, and sometimes people can spend hours playing them, I know I have. but that's usually on days when I'm by myself.. if you see what I mean. as in I'd rather spend my time with you, even if it's just to watch a fucking movie. to play a.. board game, fucking SOMETHING. ANYTHING. I'm sorry that I can't think of SOMETHING to do, so that means that you'd rather do NOTHING. and how fucking wrong you are.. "oh, I haven't been playing this ALL day" bull-fucking-shit. not all day? oh yeah, you did take a shower. and you paused to take the trash out with me. and then you argued with me WHILE you played, probably because you wanted to come back to play, about buying FOIL. wtf?! and then we went out for a little over an hour. when you ate? you played. while we watched Prison Break! you played! you played before and after! YOU'RE PLAYING NOW! because it's what you WANT to do and I wish you'd just fucking say that. I really wish you would just fucking tell me it's what you WANT to do because I fucking know it is. I know it's not what you're fine with doing or content with doing, it's what you WANT to do. you don't WANT to think of anything else to do because there's nothing to think about, you have your mind made up on what you plan on doing for the rest of the time you're awake and that's what you want, so just fucking say that. JUST SAY IT. TELL ME YOU DON'T WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH ME AND THAT YOU DON'T EVEN CARE IF I'M IN THE SAME ROOM AS YOU, IF I'M AWAKE, OR IF I'M BORED, OR IF I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU. JUST. FUCKING. TELL. ME. don't yell at me because I can't think of anything to do, you NEVER think of shit to do. EVER. and you can say, "well that's ok, I'm not the one who comes to you wanting something to do" ....erjwerqrk;1!#I@#J!IOP#J!J!!K!L:!L:! EXACTLY! THAT'S EXACTLY MY POINT! because you don't care! you're ALWAYS fine doing what you're doing and your games will never bore you the way that I do! you can play the same fucking game that you've played all god damn day long and play it right up until it's time to go to bed, but you can't stop 2 hours before you go to bed to run out to the video store with me (i.e. - time that I actually enjoy because it provokes conversation?), pick out a movie, maybe get a snack, and come back and watch it with me before we both go to sleep together. no, that's not fucking good enough. that's BORING to you. well fuck that, I'm so sick of feeling like a fucking interuption to your good times, I won't do it anymore. I won't be hurt by it anymore, and I won't spend time wishing that you would fucking come to me simply to say, "Stevie, I wanna spend time with you. Let's do something." fuck that. fuck that. I offer to do so many things with you, even to go so far as to BRIBE you to go out with me, get you something nice, just to spend time with you, and even then you fucking act like I owe that shit to you and not as if I'm being generous. THAT HURTS. THIS HURTS. you think I never feel this? you think this doesn't hurt me? you think I like not feeling wanted? think again, Josh. I'm so done. from now on, you come to me when you want to spend time together, because I'll be doing the same fucking thing you are. chillin' in my own little world, doin' my own shit, being bored to fucking death with my girlfriend, wishing I had a better one. oops, I mean my boyfriend, I just described you.

I know no one reads this anymore, but I still like livejournal more than myspace, and just incase someone should happen to stumble across this and want to read about how things have been going, here you go!

um.. looks like the last time I wrote was October. oh my. well, Christmas happened, and I went home for a whole month. it was pretty nice. and then.. in Feb. Josh and I went to Chicago to the Shedd Aquarium for Valentine's day. it was very fun, and I got alot of great pictures which I plan to resize in the near future and finally post. and since then I've just been hanging out, doing the work thing, and the Old Chicago thing. pretty much sums up my life.

on a more recent note, it snowed an assload and I did a 180 on a 4-lane highway in front of another car over a bridge. needless to say, I nearly shit myself, but I didn't actually wreck so all is well. and I was wearing my seatbelt, bwahaha.
Stevie: +1
Death: 0
I win for now, fucker.

please visit my myspace for pictures if you'd like.
http://www.myspace.com/ridden

hey, it's March. I'm still alive, too bad for society.

know what's awesome? sweaty hands. apparently my body is getting retarded signals from my brain, because my palms are gross and sweaty, while my fingers are so cold and numb they're about to fall off. yeeees.

anyone remember the name of that old ps1 wrestling game with Doink? there was probably more than one, but I only remember one. that game was cool.
like your mom.

hey, RE4 for ps2 came out today. I almost forgot. I should go buy it with the money I don't have. hooray!

I hate the internet.
and computers.

sup?

so, as you all may or may not know, I went to see Coheed and Cambria in Chicago last Saturday. it was pretty sweet, they were awesome, I got to stand right in front of Claudio, and got a signature from Mike the bassist. waited in line for like, 4 hours, ate some pizza, hated Chicago. yeah, I don't get why people would like it there? it MIGHT be ok, if in the 4 hours we waited outside there weren't 4-5 emergencies, and weirdoes talking to everyone, and shiiiitty drivers and streets. I definitely wanted to run my car into something (preferably, a Chicago native) after driving there. omg. we stayed at a motel after 3 horrible, sickly, tired hours of looking for one because most don't take 18 year olds. fun times to be had by all.

Josh's family sucks. like, they're perfectly alright people. I just hate perfectly alright people, you know? and all people. not really, I don't hate them, I like them for the most part. it's just nuts to live with them. Paulette's cool though, plus I think she may sort of feel how I do living here. sort of. I have no idea.

my hair is the most hideous thing around right now. seriously, Katrina, bombings, amputees, aids, Michael Jackson, burn victims, etc, all have nothing on my hair right now. it's ugly. I need a haircut or somethin'.

tv sucks.

hey, I might get to move home. eee, everyone cross your fingers for me.

work blows, I wanna quit before the hordes of stupid Christmas shoppers start coming, and the store gets trashed and we're there until like 2am. funk that.

it's coooold bitches, why?

I'm done, peace out.

bored and all the cool kids are doing it.

Reply with your name and:

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written.

yeah.. I'm stupid.

sometimes I really just feel like crying.
ok, more than sometimes.
it makes me feel weak.. but I don't know that I'd call it weak. I just..
feel so god damn much.
it's a real bitch.

hi. I'm Stevie, you might know of me. I used to live in Missouri, and I used to have a group of friends there.
I love them all, to this day. I.. miss them so very much. it's interesting, sometimes I cry because of it.. yet, few of them ever really talk to me, or mention me at all when they speak of their friends.
it's just sad, for me. to hold on to something that seems very gone.

uhh.. anyway, I don't want to depress myself any more than I have to, so let's move along.
I've had lots of money problems lately, bank problems, moving out of my apartment has been quite the ordeal, thus moving into Josh's has been sort of rough.
I quit Orange Julius, and now I work at Target. it's ok, except.. I hate women, I hate women who shop for clothes, and I hate women who shop for clothes for babies.

whatever I feel stupid writing anymore. I either don't have anything to write about, or what I do write about just pisses me off and makes me want to stop.

so have some damn pictures. and fuck the lj cut, because it's not like anyone ever uses livejournal anymore anyway. ps myspace blows.




aren't we CUTE?!

awwuh.

yeah we're hot.


fuck off.